It always feels daunting coming back to a blog after so long. I always feel as though I need to make excuses for my absence, list a number of projects I’ll be doing online to share with everyone and a strict schedule as to when I’ll post things. Truthfully, I miss coming on and writing. It’s therapeutic. But creating these excuses and lists of stuff kills the joy for me. I don’t want to look at writing posts as deadlines and numbers and making sure I have perfect pictures attached.
So let’s just jump straight in as though I never took a break, and as though I’ve always been doing this.
I feel at peace with myself now. The life I have decided to live – and I do mean decided as every choice we make in this life is us carving our a new path in what I imagine to be a dense bushland of everything else. I’m learning to love where I live, regardless of the serious lack in shops and quite frankly not-so-great customer service (no competition, no need to be nice right?). For instance, today Charlotte’s in daycare and I’m sitting down along the foreshore at my favourite picnic table, I’ve done some studying and sat in the sun and read for 20 minutes, and now I’m typing this up. Soon to do more studying on the harder topics once I feel refreshed and ready to tackle them.
I’ve taken on being a Mum, a partner, studying a full-time workload year round (hello summer semester), and of course being pregnant whilst doing all this again. Ah yes, I am pregnant again. And I’m also studying full-time online (there really is no other way in a country town). The being a Mum already I have had almost 9 months practice at. I secretly hope on her 18th birthday I receive a certificate in being a Mum with all the hours marked off like a tafe course or apprenticeship. Gold sticker and all – I want some recognition for learning my role!
I think overall, I’m mostly proud right now of no longer have post natal depression. And it was something that I didn’t really consider myself to be in a hole with. It really was a hole looking back at it now. Yeah, I do get sad sometimes still and frustrated, but I’m not depressed the same way. Just today I was sitting in the sun which if you know me, you know is the most unlike me thing to do. Ever. I’m super pale and burn within 5 minutes, but there I was on the grass basking in the sun. I’m considering going back for another 15 minutes of it too – warm sun, soft green grass, and the ocean breeze coming straight off the water less than 20 metres from the picnic table.
I’m beginning to see things as nice again, and enjoy being places. Before I noticed that I didn’t feel any joy or passion about anything. Now, I want to read constantly and lose myself in a story. I want to sit outside in the fresh air and enjoy the weather. The grass is beautifully green, the ocean is so, so blue where I live. There are snakes and lizards and spiders everywhere as it is a country town surrounded by bush, but that doesn’t phase me anymore. I still hate snakes, but it doesn’t ruin my view on where I’ve ended up.
It feels odd to say it, but I can confidently say that finally, at 24 and a half years old, I am happy with how my life turned out.
– Caitlin –