In just under a fortnight I might be going to Melbourne to attend PAX. Anyone else may be excited, but I’m terrified. Not of the plane, the event, or even the crowd. It’s the thought that I’ve gained so much weight over the past 18 months that people may be less accepting of me, and possibly ignore me more. Because of my size.
Now I’m not a particularly large person. Really. I am 160cm tall, or 5ft 3″. Weighing, as of today, 75.3kg, or 166lb. Not overly large, but not at a size I am comfortable with or happy.
I’ve tried running (which on some sadistic level I now enjoy), and did attempt doing a home workout but got sick straight after so that was put on hold. I thought that would be enough. Tonight I had a wake up call.
Today I joined my brother in eating popcorn covered in icing sugar for lunch. Then fries with gravy at 6pm, jello at 7pm, and pizza arrived for everyone at 7.30pm. I should’ve just said no to the pizza, or limited all my portions, or found something healthier. At the time I was hungry and the idea of it sounded great! Now my stomach hurts, I feel bloated and gross. I feel as though I have no self control when it comes to food.
When I’m not hungry, and feel gross, I can think about preparing healthy meals and making an effort to cook something up. But when I’m hungry, I just want something instant, no matter how bad it’ll make me feel after.
I’m working on that. And I need to stop telling myself I can eat whatever and still lose weight. One day I hope to become someone I am willing to look at in the mirror.
– Cupcate –